Saturday, December 31, 2011

as the year closes

I am frustrated. I don't get it.

Things are the way they are. Not how I would like them to be. I can only control myself. I just don't get it.

God bless us all in 2012.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

I's tired

I want to blog but the mental effort that it will take to be semi-coherent is great. My brain is on overdrive. I will take a break soon but there are deadlines upon me.

Yesterday I had a hearing in Central CA. My class plaintiffs met and had lunch. Its funny to me how my class found me. They found each other. I have been wanting to do a class action and this one is in my field and the goals of the class matter.

The plaintiffs are alike in that they advocate hard for their special needs children and have suffered retaliation for their efforts. Its amazing to realize that some people will go into education and will make special needs kids the victims in adult battles. Craziness!

I need to rest my mind now. Everyone needs a break.

Mr A and I are riding the rails and the kids are with their granny.

I wish I knew where I wanted to live. That would be a load off of my mind. We have to decide soon because I want my kiddies to finish at the school where they start and maintain friendships with the kids they knew early on.

Thursday, December 22, 2011


Mr A and I go to bed together most nights. We actually started out that way and now its sorta like a habit.

The kids usually end up in bed with us in the early mornings. They usually head butt me and kick Mr. A. When the kids and I leave town, Mr. A can barely sleep because no one is kicking him.

One of his friends, has a wife and 2 kids (girl and boy). The wife and kids left for GA. before the friend. The kids and I left before Mr A. Mr. A said they were on the phone talking about how they had nothing to do with the wife and kids around. His friend decided to familiarize himself with their new neighborhood and said that took 45 minutes. He went home and had nothing to do.

I know folks need "me" time but "me" time is rough when its for more than a day. I need the noise and activity of my family. All that silence and stillness makes me want the noise and activity.

I enjoy my work. I sorta wish I could work non stop a full week each month and take the other 3 weeks off. It's hard for me to stop and I have so much to do that I could work, sleep, eat and work some more. I could focus on family the other 3 weeks. I stay torn. I don't like that work so many hours a day set up.

TR took a trip with her aunt (my sister). It's amazing how much noise and activity one child can make. It's simply amazing. It sounds like I have a house full of kids when she is around because she is full of energy and gets QT going.

I am watching Mr A play with QT and realizing QT likes to play with other people. TR is not here but Mr A is playing with him and he is being as loud and active as when TR is around. I guess I stifle his physical play because I don't run, flip, jump, wrestle, etc.

Mr A and I are a good balance, IMO. Mr A also plays hard because it leads to naps. He is a smart man. I used to tell him to let the kids sleep in the car but he'd wake them up. Now I realize, if we let them sleep in the car, they won't sleep in the house.

I was in the news in a county neighboring L.A. county. I have been getting calls like crazy and I found my class action! Whoo hooo. Get money. A few years ago, one of my federal civil rights cases was joined with a class action. I got to see how it worked and make connections with the well known class action attorneys. I am now ready to do my own, though I will probably ask one of those attorneys if they will join me.

One thing I learned during that case was that the attorney who was the face of the case, Oakland's version of J. did all of the talking and little of the work. I am not putting him down because I did no work after filing my complaint. They took over my case because 1) I was preggers and c/would not travel 2) in mourning 3) they did not want me to settle for a small amount and mess up their settlement. They negotiated a great amount so I wasn't complaining. I got to learn from folks who have been doing the stuff for 30+ years.

As I am aging, I am transitioning my fashion to that of a stepford wife. Headbands, ladylike dresses, pearls. I am going to do middle-age right. I am not 20 something. I have looked forward to the loveliness that mid-late thirties and 40's is. Now that I am there, I am there with grace and all the pomp I can express through fashion.

When I was a teen and 20-something, Camille Cosby was my fashion model for middle-age. I had planned to get her cut, but I think I may just keep curls in my head. I think big chunky curls befits my stepfordish/Audrey Hepburnish fashion goals. WHOOO HOOOOO!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

fear of failure

I am not fearful of business failure. I can always start over. I do hesitate to jump in the deep end because I know people rely on the income I pay. I don't want to be the cause of anyone's unemployment. That is a heavy burden. It makes me slow to hire. It is why I want to have XX reserves. I want to at least be able to pay business expenses for a year.
I was part of a conversation this weekend and a person said they prefered a stable paycheck over the risk of self employment. Someone else had asked them why they did not start their own business.
It seems strange to rely on the ability of someone else to provide a regular paycheck. With my own business I know what is really going on. Even the government who can make money is challenged.

That is why I prefer to buy things when I can pay for them. I don't want to get into debt and base payment of thatthe debt on income I expect to come. Debt is slavery. I want the freedom to change or at least decorate and control the cage I live in.

Good Ideas

Yesterday TR asked me to wrap a caders so she could be a super hero. The cape was a play mat. I took a paper clamp and tried to secure the mat around her. When she lifted her arms the mat fell off and she told me, the clamp was not a good idea.

She has been saying, "I don't think that's a good idea" or "that's not a good idea" a lot and I wondered where she got that term. Last night the kids were pretending a storage container was a pool and QT stood up and did something. Mr A told him, that was not a good idea.

That is where TR gets it! Apparently Mr A says that often but kids will make you aware of
everything. When QT does not like something he says with force, NO Ice cream, NO candy! Their nanny tells them that. He also has been saying, "ahsi" when thank you is appropriate. I thought it was how he pronounced Thank you. He said it in front of the nanny and she screamed and said gracias. I realized that he's been saying gracias. He is bilingual!

Kids also make me appreciate organization. When QT wants a snack he leads me to the kitchen and says what he wants while pointing to it. He knows where the different foods live and that makes it easier on both of us. I love that he will take his time to pick out his snacks. I love that he knows how to get his pajamas out of his pajama drawer. Structure and organization improves the day in the life of a mommy.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Rainy Day in December

The plan was to go to Story time at a distant (about 4 miles) library. The rain is keeping us indoors. Mr A said its odd that a bay area girl like me would let the rain stop her. Perhaps.

TR sat in the chair and lined up her nail polish bottles. She enjoys all things girly.

QT is hilarious to me. He is standing on my wicker basket passing out skittles. He managed to open a skittle candy cane I had decorating the tree. He tries to be fair. I had my hand out and TR had her hand out. He had two and he gave it great thought. He gave her one and me one.

I feel slightly bad for him because when TR opens her cane, its unlikely that she will share. We shall see.

The J & J folks are going to a museum for the next activity. It's one of the museums we frequent. I looked at the website for that Museum and saw a photo of TR. I nearly fell out of my desk chair. The photo is flashing and I wasn't really looking. I had my head turned away from the computer and felt like it was her photo in my peripheral vision. I turned and it was her.

The casting agent for 35 and counting, wanted to use TR in that movie. My baby had a work permit but I had not opened a Coogan account. I had not expected to get the permit on a Friday and her have a job by Sunday.

I think her personality comes out in photos. This weekend at the party I looked and saw TR talking to a woman. TR had her hand on the woman's shoulder and was serious about whatever she was saying. The woman was laughing. When I got close I asked the woman if TR had asked her for a cookie. The woman said TR had asked her where she was going.

TR notices adults and older kids. She asks them their names, and other questions. I think its so funny. She talks to adults but she maintains her child identity.

I love breakfast and lunch time and listening to the kids talk to each other. TR talks to QT like he has a full vocabulary. They laugh, she corrects him, he tries to protest, she uses her forceful voice and he usually listens to his big sis.

In my mind I am too old to produce more kids, plus I had high blood pressure with both, but I would have loved to have more. I would be driven insane for sure, but it would be a fun way to lose my mind. Kids keep life exciting.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

bedtime for the A's

Today was Army-Navy game. Mr A organized a social event for the alumni association. The game went long so we were there from about 10:30 to almost 4. Most of the grads are old, white and rich. I enjoy that. West Point and Annapolis grads have a great opportunities for success. When Mr A left the army he entered corporate in management. He was 24.

TR and I hit up Michaels for Christmas decorations. That was fun. I was supposed to attend a sorority event but we got home and I needed to purchase hoisery for the event so I didn't go.

The Jack and Ji.ll party started when my sorority event was scheduled to end. I just did not have the time to do both, although I had intended tryingre

I enjoyed the Christmas Party and the kids did as well. Mr A should do a guest post on his thoughts. It's a mothers group. He stopped reading my blog so we are unlikely to get that post.

And now I am in bed. We had a nice and busy day. Being married, with kids can keep you busy, having social activities makes you even more busy. Then if Mr A, TR and I have social sutff it really can gets hectic.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Reading the Tea Leaves

As if my $20 white tea was not enough, I have transitioned to tea leaves and the tea accessories. I think the tea leaves will work out to cost less but the initial cost was high.

I took Mr A into a tea shop one evening (date night) after doing some research. Once I heard the price I left. He was sorta standing by the door and pretty much refused to enter.

Then for my birthday he surprised me with every thing I'd lusted after. Mr. A pays close attention to my wants. That is his nature. That is also why I try not to tell him everything I think I want. He'll start planning a way to make it happen.

One of the teas requires me to be careful about the brewing time. I cannot forget to release my tea. If I do, its bitter. This tea actually is helping me with not multi-tasking. I have to focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes multi-tasking is good, sometimes its good to just do one thing.

The A family has a busy weekend ahead. I'm taking the kids to their gymnastics and ballet class during the week. I will share next week because I don't want anyone trying to break in if I post our schedule. I try to be a little social and fall into the deep end of the social pool.

I hope to be able to get my hair "did" today. We shall see. The nanny (one to two childcare instructor for those offended by use of nannies) might have to stay a little longer.

The Space

I contacted a commercial agent who sent a couple of listings for me to tour. I told him my price range and he sent me to look at executive offices. The first space was in Beverly Hills. That was farther than I wanted and iI figured it would bewant twice the cost forto the address, but I looked anyway. It was a good start point.

Next was more of what I wanted but my price range did not have a window. It's hard to be your own boss and not have a window. If I can leave, I might leave. If I can look outside I can work longer.

Then I looked East of home and I think I found a space. It is in the price range I wanted to be in and it has a window. I rarely meet clients but its on a bus line so if someone needs to hop a bus to get there they can. I can also be there in a short bus ride. Since its in a busy business district parking is a horror. I wanted to be out of the busy business district but the price is right so I have to trade off wants.

Mr A and I discussed it and I will enter the lease when I make XX,XXXX in a single month. That way I can have reserves in place. As I think about it I might be able to make that this month if I hustle. It feels good to have a goal. The space is low enough in price that I won't feel like the extra could/should be used to get a bigger place in this neighborhood.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

growth and change

I am exhausted! My brain is in shut down and protect mode.

My business is at a place where it needs to either expand and grow or it will smother and not grow. It won't die but it needs a larger container to flourish. Its time to replant. Of course the replanting will cost.

This weekend I expressed my desire for an office space situation with a staff person there. I know if I tell Mr A my desire he will start strategizing on how to make it happen. I asked him to hold off on the planning because I am not fully in the mental place to do what needs to be done to make things function.

The space and staff would be two new expenses. It takes money to make money but it can also take money to break even. If/when I take on these additional expenses I need to make a profit sooner not later.

Living in L.A. inspires me to develop my business. Fortunately we live close to a few business districts so if I get space I can still be near my kiddies.

The last time I had space, I realized I didn't like it or have much need of it. It was exciting at the start, but eventually driving downtown and dealing with the parking hassles, grew tiring. It did help me maintain focus and stay organized. It also allowed home to be home. I liked having a business partner to exchange ideas and I liked that my brother and I could meet whenever we felt like it. His office was on the next block so we'd hang out. The good old days.

I took a mental health break this morning and handled a few personal matters. Managing a family of 4 is a full time gig. My kiddies walked to the park this morning. They usually take the stroller. My babies are so big!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Christmas Party

The season of getting together with friends, family and social orgs is upon us.
TR has been speaking of the many Christmas parties she has planned and has been invited to.
She says at the party everyone gets to eat cake and more cake.

There is a party at the park at least once a month, so she is very familiar with parties.

She really wants to have a play date at home. I intend to tell her nanny to organize some thing on a day I am gone. Her friends live in million+ dollar homes and have a "little" more space than us. When the kids start at our dream school, they will have billionaire and millionaire classmates, so I will have to get used to her friends having bigger homes.

When I was a kid, I never noticed the size of another child's home and we had a home that was larger than most. I didn't know the difference between a house and an apartment.

TR and QT will be attending the J & J Christmas party and I am excited. She will get to interact with brown kids. Right now she thinks every brown person is her cousin. Soon she
will begin to get used to hanging out with other brown kids and it not being a family event. I am even more excited because there are at least 10 J&J mothers with children who attend our dream school. That is wonderful! When TR starts at the school, she will already know kids. I'm also pleased to get to know brown mothers who share a belief in the value of a play based early education.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Soul Mates- part two

It can be easy to sink into evil and be mean. Its easy to roll down hill. It's easy to look at a person's preferences, choices, habits and find a negative reason or a moral failure

The challenge may be to think of good things. If you can keep your own thoughts pure, the motives or purposes of others are easier to be seen as pure.

I think this is why Mr A is my soul mate. His attitude used to bug me. If a person was doing something and my personal philosophy believed it was wrong, he would not Join my attack their character . He just says I wouldn't do it but if they want to, that is their choice.

I eventually just quit trying to get him to attack the character of people. That caused me to stop attacking the character of people. That helped me grow, because its easier to keep love in my heart and see people as human when I am not in attack or offense mode.

If you do something I don't like my initial instinct is not to attack your momma 'nem. Now she may get attacked but now I know its wrong and unnecessary and I will repent.

Now that I have been delivered from my need to judge the character of a person over silly things, I see how bound my attitude made me. There is freedom is seeing people as people, instead of people who are wrong not to do what I do.

I can be all of who I am, and appreciate others for all of who they are.

I needed to get to this place. Mr A and his feeling that most people are not out to hurt others has rubbed off on me.

My soul is reaching a place I know I needed to be. Mr A is helping me arrive and shed some of the baggage that was holding me down. My soul mate.

Refining My Soul

My children are refining my soul and my spirit. This week I gave TR some medicine and she decided to play with it. I told her not to, and she spilled it. When she spilled it, I turned and caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror.

I didn’t fuss, but if my face is looking like that, I didn’t need to. I want to do better. I don’t want to make my kiddies feel fear of making a mistake or disappointing me. My mother is a perfectionist and even at my advanced age, it worries me to have a need of her because I messed up. I hate knowing I disappointed her or caused her to have to get off of her schedule.

I want to be like my grandparents, if you messed up they might fuss but the feeling behind it was different. I want to be more easy and loving when my children mess up.

I am a work in progress but I am progressing.

It’s good to be occupied loving God, loving people and loving life.

Guard your heart, for from it flow the issues of life.